If you’ve spent much time following NHL players on various social media, you will quickly find out one thing: these dudes are dull as hell. Like seriously, how many pictures of you holding a fish on the lake with your boys can you post before you get sick of yourself? Quickly I realized that the real show are the illustrious WAGs (wives and girlfriends) of hockey players. These beautiful, vibrant, smart women choose to live their lives with oafs on skates and while that is not a life I would choose, I love them for it.
So, naturally, as one does, I became obsessed with several WAGs, and have prepared a heat chart for you. Sidebar, I made this graph while sitting in the middle of a bagel shop and definitely looked like a serial killer while painstakingly cropping all these women’s faces.
Allow me to explain the axes (I had to google what the plural of axis was, shout out to my English undergraduate degree!!) which I have selected. All hockey wives and girlfriends are beautiful and I love and would fight for all of them, but I simply had to pick my favorites for this chart. By best friend potential, I mean someone who posts relatably and who I have fooled myself into thinking they would be friends with me. By makeover potential, I mean that this woman is like the hottest girl in high school, who, in a perfect world, would take you under her wing and show you how to curl your hair. I’m realizing this is getting insanely specific. ANYWAY! On to the guide!
Name: Lexi Brown
Husband or Boyfriend: JT Brown, of the Minnesota Wild
Instagram: @lexilafleur
Twitter: @lexilafleur
If you follow me or Audrey on twitter, there is a good chance you have seen either of us psychotically discussing Lexi Brown. This woman? Is a legend. She’s got a MASTERS in public relations (wow) and is working on a PhD in education (wow!!!!!!!!!!!) and is amazing on twitter and Instagram (WOWWWWW!!!!!!). We stan a triple threat!
Some of her greatest hits include her iconic pregnancy announcement:
Being woke as hell:
And roasting the living shit out of her husband on a near daily basis:
Name: Anastasia Shubskaya (Nastya Ovechkina)
Husband or Boyfriend: Alex Ovechkin, of the Washington Capitals
Instagram: @nastyashubskaya
Nastya is notable for a couple reasons. She’s insanely beautiful, wifed up Ovi who was a known playboy for many years (I know I don’t get it either), and is EXTREMELY RUSSIAN. Really, I recommend you follow Nastya just for her incredible Instagram stories of all the very Russian shit the Ovechkins get up to out in the DC suburbs. Spoiler alert, for some reason it involves a lot of sitting around in a barely decorated living room drinking in full nightclub gear filming each other. It’s great. She rules.
Here is the most Russian picture I have ever seen in my damn life, courtesy of her Instagram:
I could literally stare at this for days. Where did they get these clothes? Why did they get these clothes? Who decided to put them on for a maternity shoot? So many questions we will never have answers for, but I’m glad Nastya is making us ask them.
Name: Lauren Oshie
Husband or boyfriend: TJ Oshie, of the Washington Capitals
Instagram: @lauren.oshie
Lauren is the ultimate hockey WAG. She is the WAG every 4th line grinder’s girlfriend aspires to be. This lady has completely branded her life as a hot mom and honestly? I love her for it. Lauren’s #sponcon game is unparalleled:
Just look at her!!! Don’t you want to buy some baby placenta sunscreen or whatever it is that she’s shilling?? An absolute queen. An icon. She looks like the nice cheerleader in school who will talk to you in the remedial algebra class you’re both in but she won’t sit by you at lunch which is fair since you are kind of weird. Yes I know this is a very specific description ANYWAY lets take a look at her cute ass family:
I am truly not sure if I want to be Lauren’s wife or be adopted into the Oshie family. She and TJ met when they were both at North Dakota State (love a college girl) and have been successfully building the brand/family ever since.
Name: LINDSEY VONN
Husband or Boyfriend: PK Subban, of the Nashville Predators BUT IT’S LINSDEY FUCKIN VONN
Twitter: @lindseyvonn OBVIOUSLY
Instagram: @lindseyvonn DO YOU HAVE TO ASK
There’s not really much I’m going to say about Olympic gold medalist skiier Lindsey other than that she rules and can run over me with a truck. She also is probably one of the few non-actress NHL WAGs who is more famous than her boyfriend! Go Lindsey. Here’s a really cute pic of her and PK:
Name: Brandi Holtby
Husband or Boyfriend: Braden Holtby, of the Washington Capitals
Twitter: @bbholtby
Brandi “Woke Bae” Holtby is a delight to have in class. Her continued support of progressive causes with her husband Braden gives me hope that not all hockey players are complete dipshits. Look at her friggin twitter bio:
Name: Melanie Collins
Husband or boyfriend: James Neal, of the Las Vegas Golden Knights
Instagram: @melanie_collins
Okay to be completely real with you, Melanie Collins might be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. Ma’am what purple shampoo do you use because those highlights are looking ICEY AS FUCK:
Melanie is also a NFL sideline reporter for CBS, which is cool because she probably makes more money than James Neal. Also how come my hair never looks like this when I do a ponytail? I think I Just want to be Melanie:
Name: Katie Hoaldridge
Husband or boyfriend: Jamie Benn [EX], of the Dallas Stars
Instagram: @katie.hoaldridge
Twitter: @katiehoaldridge
Okay I know this list is just for WAGs but I had to include this very special ex-WAG of our favorite Cancer, Jamie Benn. Katie is a champion level WAG in that she’s insanely blonde, insanely hot, and also somehow very funny on twitter:
Katie is a former track star at the University of Texas (respectfully, hook em) and currently does marketing or whatever, idk man she’s professionally hot and that’s a job these days. Check her out:
Unfortunately this love story came to a screeching halt when Katie dumped Jamie in 2018. We all knew they broke up because he made this insane PUBLIC SPOTIFY PLAYLIST full of only sad bitch songs because he is pathetic and Katie was a goddess:
I included her on the list because a. she’s very cool and hot and b. she completely leveled JamBenn in a way that is very endearing to me. My man reportedly: unfollowed and refollowed her several times, started liking her photos again months after they broke up, and still follows the astrology meme accounts of her star sign. Katie, will you be my senpai?